My Girlfriend Gave Me Blue Balls

We started off our day meeting a representative in the lobby to take us for a "short walk" to the Roseland Ballroom. Short walk, meaning 10 blocks. Um....last I checked when blocks start going into the double digits, that's NOT a short walk. But it turns out I didn't even feel those 10 blocks because our representative was also a distant relative to Speedy Gonzalez. Mind you she was sheep herding about 40 winners from all over the place - most of whom were not from New York - and she decides to walk us at a cheetah's pace. Speedy was darting in and out of people, walking across streets that clearly had a red hand indicating NOT to walk. (If you know me but at all, I WILL NOT jaywalk...not because it's illegal or anything but because I'm a chicken shit, if a car came barreling my way, I'm pretty sure I'd stand there like a deer in headlights. ) and it was hard to see her because she was also about 2 inches taller than me. Finally, after about tackling 5 old people and running over toddlers, we caught up with her. We were outside of the Roseland Ballroom and it was a cluster fuck of disorganization. We were yelled at by the cops to walk around the block because the "special winners" had no designated area to stand.

Meanwhile I was getting to know my fellow Madonna fans, two lovely boys from Miami Florida who had won the contest from Icon (Madonna's fan club) and another fag hag duo behind us in line. There were several others who were clearly not fans and just happened to come upon tickets and wristbands for the performance. (I'll talk about a couple particular ones on a special Fan Letter Friday). I also noticed that I was the only one that even attempted to dress up. Now in Los Angeles, this is usually not the case for a Madonna concert. Usually, you get the drag queens coming out in full force, sporting her fits from Like a Virgin to Hung Up, I am no match for these geniuses. But last night, I was the only tried and true Madonna fan with a championship belt to prove it. Check it...



When we finally got a designated spot to line up, I saw the gays from Insider's report doing a news piece and the Associated Press stopped me, took a shot of my belt and interviewed me about Madonna. I was happy to oblige and for a quick minute I felt important but I got over it since the line was moving and they were finally letting us in.

We walk into the Roseland Ballroom and it was just like a expected, no seats on the bottom floor and for me this is not good because about half of the crowd was let in (no special treatment for contest winners because apparently we were all contest winners..or the people who stood in line the night before) and by the time Joey and I got in, we couldn't even see the front barricade. Joey, the generous man that he is, (plus he's tall so he could see just fine) bids me adieu and tells me to midget my way to the front, no matter what the cost or whose shins I bite. I decided biting shins would not be a good idea, Sure I have a mean bite and all but these are also die hard Madonna fans, some who have waited since 6 am that morning to get a wristband - I had a feeling most of them could have withstood a midget gnawing at their knees with no problem.

This is from Joey's point of view.


But people were surprisingly accommodating! One couple let me go in front of them because they could easily see over my head so it was no big deal, which put me butt to boobies with a 6 foot tall gay man who turned around, looked down and said, "Oh sweetie, you won't see anything! This just won't do...and OH look at that FABULOUS belt, I love it darling! Here, stand in front of me." And it went on like that for a couple more accommodating people (gays...love the gays...) who clearly had a soft spot for midget hags who also love Madonna. A couple friendly hellos, nice conversations and a few other fans taking pictures of my belt, I finally MADE IT TO THE FRONT right as the Queen herself was coming out. If you're looking at the stage, I was on the left hand side, if you're looking from the stage, I was on the right hand side.

The show was AMAZING of course! Madonna danced so much I don't think anyone got a clear picture of the bitch.

Joey's picture of Madonna, when she first came on stage.


My blurry pictures taken from my phone.....yes blurry..I was being jolted and pushed and Madonna does not stand still, blame her:





Up close, it is truly amazing that she's going to be 50 in August. She is flawless and her ass and thighs looked just like some of the sculptures I saw at the Metropolitan Museum earlier that day. Justin Timberlake was also there to sing 4 minutes. He looked good, kind of needs to shave the beard though, it's getting out of hand. The show when on just under 40 minutes (which literally felt like 10 minutes) and of course she put on an amazing show. The music was so loud, the bass literally blew my hair back, there were lazers, video screens, and Madonna dancing all over the place, rocking on her guitar, grinding with Justin and at one point she fell back on her ass but she hid it so well that I thought it was choreographed. She gave great eye contact with the audience and I'd like to say she saw my belt because she looked over a couple times but who knows. I'm going to lie to myself and say she did and she probably thought to herself, my my, that Elaine is so brilliant. Finally, just as quickly as it started, my girlfriend ended the night with remix of Music (I think, I honestly don't remember it was such a blur) and of course, left us wanting more. The concert was equivalent to that of blue balls. She teased, fondled, caressed and then turned around and walked away, taking her tight ass with her, leaving me wanting MORE! I took a few blurry pictures (seriously she would not sit still), and taking video would have been a waste of time because I had no room to move let alone hold a video camera still. And to be honest, I hate taking pictures and video during a Madonna concert. I feel like it takes me out of the moment since I'm watching her through the lens. MSN got it all on video for me so I'm not too disappointed.
(go watch it...my girlfriend is amazing in concert!)

So that's it - sorry that I didn't post sooner! That was my NYC Madonna dream fag hag trip! Afterwards, Joey and I grabbed some food (him pizza me a hot dog from a hot dog cart! YUM!) and then we stood in the middle of Times Square, took pictures, stared at the buildings, reminisced about the fabulousness that was Madge ....seriously, all we needed was some lawn chairs and that would have been the most perfect place to sit on our last night.

Vogue-ing in Times Square.....what? Doesn't everyone do that?